Caregivers Collective | Reading time: ~3-4 minutes
If you've read any of my previous blog posts, you already know where I stand on this: asking for help is the best thing you can do for yourself and your loved one. But knowing you need extra help and actually knowing how to find it are two very different things.
This post is the practical side of that conversation - how to find a respite caregiver, and what to ask once you do.
What Is a Respite Caregiver?
A respite caregiver is someone who steps in to care for your loved one so you can step away. Maybe it's a few hours, a full day, an overnight, or even a couple weeks. The word "respite" means a short period of rest of relief - and that's exactly what it is.
For me, J comes to our home twice a week now. In the beginning it was once a week, either a Saturday or Sunday, so my husband and I could have a little more flexibility in how we spent our time. Earlier this year, we added a second day. And it's helped tremendously.
Where to Find One
Before you start Googling, as your people/your network first.
I found J through my sister, who is a registered nurse and came across a recommendation through her work. A personal referral from someone you already trust is, in my opinion, the best possible starting point. You're not vetting a stranger from a list - you're starting with someone who has been vouched by a person who know your and your situation.
So ask around. Family, friends, your loved one's doctor's office, neighbors, community groups, church community. You might be surprised how quickly a name comes up.
If you can't find anyone through personal connections, websites like Care.com and A Place for Mom are a couple that come to mind. Just know that both require you to register and go through a process to get connected to a respite caregiver - which, when you're already stretched thin, can feel like a bit of friction. It's certainly worth trying, but exhaust your personal network first.
One other option worth knowing about: staff members at memory care facilities or assisted living communities sometimes do private caregiving on the side. If your loved has spent time in a facility, it's worth asking - they may already know your loved one, which makes the transition easier for everyone.
Once you have a name, have an actual conversation. J and I had a Zoom call. I mostly asked about J's experience and made sure her hourly rate worked for us - and at the time, that felt like enough.
Looking back, there are a few more things I wish I'd asked upfront. Here are five questions worth covering before you hire anyone:
1. What experience do you have caring for someone with dementia or memory impairment?
Understanding the cognitive side of caregiving - the confusion, the repetition, the behavioral changes - is different from physical caregiving alone. You want to know what they've navigated before.
2. How do you handle a situation where the person you're caring for becomes confused or agitated?
This tells you a lot about temperament. You want someone calm, patient, and flexible - not someone who escalates a tense moment. Ask for a specific example if you can.
3. Are you comfortable with incontinence care?
Be direct about this. Not every caregiver is comfortable with or experienced in this area. Better to know upfront that to find out in the moment.
4. Can you provide references from previous clients or families?
Always ask - and actually call them. Takes ten minutes and it's so, so important.
5. What is your availability and how much notice will you give if you're not able to make it?
Reliability is everything. Ask whether they have a backup if they can't make it - because at some point, something will come up.
One more thing before you move forward with anyone: run a background check. Most caregiving platforms like Care.com offer this as part of their process, but if you find someone through a personal referral, you can run one independently through a service like Checkr, GoodHire, or Back Ground Checks for a small fee. It's a simple step and a necessary one - regardless of how highly someone comes recommended.
And once you've hired someone, make sure they know what to do in an emergency. Walk them through where your loved one's medical information is kept, who to call first, and under what circumstances to call 911. Don't assume they'll figure it out in the moment - becuase in an urgent situation, you want everyone operating from the same plan.
Once You Hire Someone - Set Expectations Early
This is the part I learned the hard way.
A respite caregiver relationship is exactly that - a relationship. And like any relationship, it requires communication. If something isn't working, say something early. Little things left unaddressed have a way of becoming bigger issues over time.
One thing I also want to say about the dynamic between a caregiver and your loved one: I came into this with the idea that a caregiver should be constantly interacting with my dad. Activities, conversation, puzzles, the works. But my dad didn't want that. He likes to watch TV, color, and occasionally fold a fresh load of laundry. He's always been low-key and self-contained, and dementia hasn't changed that about him.
The best caregivers know when to engage, how to keep your loved one occupied, and follow your loved one's cues. At the end of the day, the most important thing, as Hospice Nurse Julie says, is for you and your loved one's caregiver to keep them safe, comfortable, and clean - while respecting who that person actually is. That's worth communicating clearly to whoever you hire or have stay with your loved one.
One More Thing
If you're bringing a caregiver into your home for the first time, having your loved one's important medical information organized and ready to hand off maters more than you might expect.
The Important Medical Information form comes with fields for emergency contacts, medication dosage, doctor and insurance details, and more. Every piece of critical information, all in one place.
Get the Important Medical Information form - $4
Have you hired a respite caregiver - or are you thinking about it? Drop a comment below. This is just the kind of thing worth talking about together.
0 comments