Caregivers Collective | Reading time: ~ 5 minutes
When my father moved in with us, I told myself I could handle it. I mean, how hard could it be? He was mobile, amenable, and could manage most of his daily routine on his own – dressing himself, getting around the house, that kind of thing. I figured I'd hire outside help eventually – you know, when things got really bad. When he actually needed it.
The Plan I Had (And Why It Was Naïve)
My original thinking was pretty straightforward: higher health as his dementia progressed. Simple enough, right? What I did an account for was how gradual – and how relentless – that progression would be. The first couple of years were mostly OK. He could walk around our house without a walker. He was largely self-sufficient. I thought, honestly, that I had this. That was naïve, plain and simple.
It was actually my younger sister who nudged me in the right direction. She's a registered nurse, and threw a work connection, she got a referral for a Caregiver right around the time our father was moving in. Her timing was impeccable. I was hesitant – not because of the caregiving itself, but mostly because of cost. My dad had not financially prepared for this chapter of his life, and the added expense of a Caregiver wasn't something we had neatly budgeted for.
But my sister's nudge came at exactly the right time. I'm so glad I listened.
Finding "J"
We interviewed a couple of caregivers before we found the right fit. One of them had actually known my dad from when he lived in assisted living, which felt like a great fit – until we factored in her commute. She was driving from much farther away, which meant a higher hourly rate. Proximity ended up being a non-negotiable for us.
J came through that first referral from my sister. Our initial interview was over Zoom. She seemed professional, warm, and experienced with elderly and memory, impaired individuals – which mattered a lot to me. There wasn't one single moment where I thought, "She's the one." It was more of a general sense that she knew what she was doing and, more importantly, that she genuinely liked people.
Four years later, J is still with us. When she isn't available, her daughter covers – and she's been just as pleasant to have around. My daughter loves when either of them comes over, which makes the whole arrangement feel even more like an extension of our family than a service.
"I Don't Need a Babysitter"
Here's something nobody warned me about: your parent might not exactly welcome the idea of a Caregiver with open arms.
When I'd tell my dad that Jay was coming, his response was pretty consistent: "what? I don't need someone to babysit me. I can stay here by myself."
And honestly? In the early days, he was partially right. He could be alone for about an hour without any issue. But when my husband and I wanted to take our young daughter out for a family day – or even just have a few hours to ourselves – we needed someone there with him. An hour wasn't enough.
What was frustrating was that he couldn't fully grasp our level of concern. He didn't understand that we weren't questioning his independence so much as we were trying to protect our own sanity and create space for the rest of our lives to exist. That disconnect - between what he saw as unnecessary and what we knew was essential - was genuinely hard to navigate.
But we kept at it. And slowly, Ja became part of the rhythm of our household.
What Those First Outings Actually Felt Like
J started coming once a week - either Saturday or Sunday. We deliberately chose a weekend day so we'd have more flexibility in what we could do and where we could go. My husband and I would head out, just the two of us, while our daughter sometimes stayed at home with J and my dad.
I don't remember the specific activity we did on that first outing. Which is funny because you'd think I would. But it was kind of unremarkable in the best possible way - it felt like going back to what life was like before caregiving, before even having our daughter. Just the two of us, doing something ordinary.
What I do remember is the feeling.
Free. Liberated, Light.
That's the only way I can describe it. Like putting down something heavy that you'd been carrying for so long, you forgot it was there. Those three words have stayed with me ever since.
The Honest Part
I want to be real with you for a second, because I think honesty is the whole point of this community.
Caregiving is hard. Like, sincerely, profoundly hard. Caring for someone with dementia and incontinence - which often go hand in hand - has been the most challenging thing I've ever done. I have mental health struggles of my own. I take Zoloft for depression, and there's a history of mental health challenges in my family. I share that not for sympathy, but because I think it matters for caregivers to know that the people writing these resources are real people carrying real weight.
Having J come once a week - and now twice a week since the beginning of this year - has helped me maintain something I didn't realize I was at risk of losing: my identity outside of caregiving.
It doesn't eliminate the hard moments. I still get impatient. I'm still frustrated. But having that dedicated time away means I can show up more fully the rest of the time. I can be present for my daughter and my husband in a way that isn't filtered through exhaustion. I can connect with them outside of the context of caregiving for my dad.
There are moments at home that are actually quite sweet - like when we're all gathered around after dinner, laughing our way through "I Love Lucy" or "America's Funniest Home Video" just to name a couple. Those are the real moments of connection, and I don't take them for granted.
But when J is there, something shifts. We move a little differently. It's not that we don't love having my dad with us - it's that when the daily responsibility isn't on our shoulders on that day, we're a bit more free. We can explore a museum without having to think through logistics. And when our daughter wants to stay home with J and my dad , my husband and I have our weekly date - whether that's ordering spicy mint chicken at our fave Thai place, having a big tub of popcorn at our local movie theatre, or exploring a new part of town. That one-on-one time is sacred to me.
What Would've Happened If We Hadn't Hired Help
I've thought about this. A lot.
I think I would have burned out sooner. I think I would have missed out on forming core memories with my daughter and husband. I would have been less present, even when I was physically there.
The weight of this responsibility is real. But having J makes it feel more manageable. Not effortless - I don't want to oversell it - but manageable. And sometimes, manageable is everything.
What I Want You to Take From This
If you're a new family caregiver and you're on the fence about hiring help, I want to encourage you to do so.
Don't wait until things get really bad and hard.
Hire help before you think you need it. Give your loved one time to get comfortable with a new person while they can still comprehend some things. Give yourself time to find the right fit without the pressure of a crisis driving the decision. And give your relationship - with your partner/spouse, your kids, yourself - the space it needs to survive this season.
A respite caregiver isn't just for your loved one. They might be exactly what you need too.
Ready to Get More Organized?
If you're just stepping into this caregiving role, one of the most practical things you can do right now is get your supplies and information in order - before you need them. I put together a free Incontinence Care Supply Guide specifically for caregivers like you - loved ones with memory-impairment and incontinence.
It's the resource I wish someone had handed me on day one.
Sign up to receive your free guide here.
Already have the basics covered? Check out the Fundamental Caregivers Packet - printable system built from four years of real caregiving experience. Shop at caregiverscollective.com
Have you hired outside help - or are you on the fence about it? Drop a comment below. This community is here for exactly this type of conversation.
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